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Humour articles from Russian mag. Vzglyad . It offers English translations and here are seven of them, from the year 2020 (So apologies for bad English!):

The case has been solved. Where do Navalny’s cowards lead?

14 December

Alexei Navalny has finally decided why they wanted to kill him. It turns out that he and his wife have been poisoned for two years. Of course, “Novichok”. And, of course, not to death. Antibodies seem to be producing.

Just yesterday, the mice and I laughed at the “analyst” of the British Sunday Times, referring to the “German special services” who reported that Navalny was hounded in Siberia three times, and the last attempt to “introduce Novichok” was made in an Omsk hospital, right before his flight to Germany … And again by.

The situation became embarrassing when even the editor-in-chief of Echo of Moscow, Alexei Venediktov, questioned the sober mind, clear conscience and empty hands of Western colleagues: “It seems that the publication in the Sunday Times was posted by the Russian special services in order to discredit the very fact of the attempt to poison Alexei Navalny.”

Monday afternoon, a counter video from Alexei was ready. How can you interrupt the absurdity? Are you laughing that there were three poisonings? Two years of Novichok treatment.

In the voice of the NTV host, Navalny reports that the first poisoning attempt took place two years ago on an airplane. This should be quoted: “An hour after takeoff, a cold sweat broke out in me, and I felt that I was very, very bad. It’s so bad that I’m going to die now. Since I was all wet, I hardly got to the toilet, where I washed myself with cold water. He sat for 15 minutes, and everything passed, ”- that is, in fact, the whole attempt. The history of poisoning with poisons has not yet known such an antidote as cold water. But Navalny found him. True, for some reason he did not share this knowledge with his wife Julia. Because the next victim of the “assassination attempt” was she.

This year, Navalny rested in the village of Yantarny near Kaliningrad. After the walk, Julia felt bad, but the couple decided to go to a cafe anyway. “Moreover, she was getting worse and worse, and so rapidly that when we reached the cafe and ordered food, she realized that it was even hard for her to sit. I asked: “What hurts you? A heart? Stomach? Call an ambulance? ” And Julia herself did not understand and could not explain. She said: “Nothing hurts.” A worried husband, who recently went through the same thing, really decided not to call an ambulance. What for? The wife is so bad that she cannot even sit. But can she go? I got up and went to the hotel, alone, to my room. “As I later learned, I barely reached him, although the hotel was very close. An hour later, Yulia suddenly felt better, she fell asleep. The next day, she felt great, as if nothing had happened ”, – Alexey Navalny shares the reverent relationship in his family. Yes, Alexey, all caring husbands do this, do not hesitate. The dinner had already been paid. Did you eat lobsters?

Either the Novichok two years ago at Lubyanka was expired, or the Navalny couple had tinned organisms (as, incidentally, did the Skripals). But the question of why he is being bullied all the time, but he survives, still requires some kind of answer. And Navalny finds him.

It turns out that “if the dose of Novichok is too large, you will die instantly. If not enough, then you may not feel anything at all or experience a short-term attack. ” That is, the FSB was simply saving Novichok, that’s the whole answer. Probably, they stole the surplus so that they could spray currant bushes from pests at the general’s dacha.

It turns out that “Novichok” is very scary. “This is possibly the most poisonous substance invented by mankind,” the blogger writes. The most poisonous and safest, he forgets to add.

According to the cumulative estimates of Western media and special services, in the fall of this year in Siberia, Navalny survived three times of poisoning. Apparently, over all these years and the assassination attempts, the FSB chemists have not been able to calculate the correct dosage. As well as with the Skripals. Of course, this is how secret special services work, we have already understood this, Alexey. Although no, in England, according to Navalny, the result was still: “I remind you that the Skripals, who were attempted to kill, survived, but an innocent woman died, and as many as 47 people received various defeats.” How good it is that for so many attempts on Navalny’s life no one else has suffered. This humanism is also a distinctive feature of the special services, we know, Alexey.

Who is poisoning the blogger so persistently and fruitlessly? In the investigation there are even photographs and a number of names of “executors”, links to stolen bills and other finds. Of course, they were dug up by fearless journalists (such as the “British media”), and Western intelligence services have absolutely nothing to do with this. Not a single leaf was slipped, we believe, Alexey.

Most of all, I like that among the suspects is Navalny’s neighbor at 175 Lublinskaya Street. The blogger tells how these people have been following him for two years on all Russian trips.

Thin ice begins here. It has long been known that Navalny is under surveillance. But how to sell a well-known fact labeled “Scandals, intrigues, investigations”? To declare that this is not outdoor advertising, not an opera, but poisoners! All the years they have been chasing a blogger around our vast country – and trying to kill. It’s time to compare Alexei with Fidel Castro with his 638 assassination attempts, but for some reason only an anecdote about “The Elusive Joe” comes to mind.

Why were they ordered to kill Navalny? For his desire to take the presidency. This is not a joke, Navalny writes that. And what, the assassination attempts somehow prevented Navalny from participating in the elections? Actually, no. The blogger was removed from registration due to his criminal record. That is, it was possible not to kill? It turns out you can. And then, apparently, as in the American category C militants. The order for destruction has been issued and cannot be canceled.

So I see how a deeply conspiratorial group of saboteurs, which cut off all contacts with the center, moves around the country after the blogger, sprinkling his path with an expired Novichok. The years go by. Some elections are followed by others. Navalny is being tried for libel against the veteran of the Great Patriotic War. And here the poisoners finally found the right dose! Well, not completely. It was only enough to evacuate Navalny to Germany. By the way, to the obvious question, why did the authorities release him to another country instead of finishing off on the spot, Navalny just as cheerfully replies: but they thought that “Novichok” would dissolve in the body in two days and no one would find traces. Yes, Alexey, we have already understood – this is how secret assassins with a chemical education work.

In the story about terrible poisons, unfortunate Julia and the demonic Kremlin, there is one completely false note. It is addressed not to Russian, but to Western consumers, and spoils the whole picture. Who in Russia will seriously believe that the oppositionist has been poisoned with one single poison for two years and cannot be poisoned? Although, of course, I cannot drive this away under valerian.

This is a tale about a turnip, not an investigation into an assassination attempt. In Russia, they will believe in surveillance, in persecution, in staged criminal cases, in threats to loved ones. But not in the life-giving “Novichok”, from which not a single Skripal has died, except for their cat, and then for the purpose of prevention.

The reason for this fixation on Novichok is that the West sees Russia in a simplified way. Thanks even without bears with balalaikas. But it is impossible to abandon the stereotypical imperial poison: then the public cannot be sold the story of demonic Russia. Previously, it was a nuclear weapon, now it is a chemical one. In information wars, only simple images work, like Colin Powell’s test tube and Navalny’s cowards.

………………………………………………

20 September:  Navalny’s London spires

James Bond was appointed a woman – I think then everything fell apart. The brutal world of spies, ice axes and umbrella pricks collapsed into a vegetarian burger with homeopathic doses of “Novice”, which is not capable of killing a rat.

“GRU agents” Petrov and Boshirov go to Salisbury to look at the spiers. “Agent MI-6” Maria Pevchikh on high heels flies to Novosibirsk for Navalny. Poisoning – coma – sanctions, and as in good Hollywood films, no one was hurt during the filming. Navalny and Skripal receive the Arkady Babchenko prize and dance on the grave of Kivelidi, who had no idea that it was not at all necessary to die from Novichko.

As a chronicler and a direct witness to the modern political history of poisoning, I watch with great interest the spy story of Maria Pevchikh. The star of Maria rose from a low start when it turned out that Navalny was while away anti-corruption investigations in Novosibirsk and Tomsk with a mysterious brown-haired woman from London. Photos of Singers from surveillance cameras appeared in the media faster than pictures of Petrov and Boshirov from the Solberia station. Therefore, the BBC had to accelerate the cosplay of Russia Today by issuing a large exculpatory interview with a poisoning suspect.

Frankly, I was hoping to learn something new from the young British “political scientists”, but the techniques of my colleagues were painfully overwhelmed by us, old men of espionage. The “honey trap” that Singers looks like has been used by special services since the advent of sex and these very special services. Although there may be spicy nuances here. Take a closer look at the video from the Tomsk hotel, where Pevchikh, trying not to get into the frame, searches Navalny’s room. Let’s skip the explanation of how the newly-minted James Bond in a skirt got into someone else’s room. It has already been said about the honey trap, so the number was most likely not alien to Masha. But now the bare male legs in yellow shorts, flashing during a search among worried shod people, betray another guest in their owner. All my experience with people says, that if someone is in a hotel room with crumpled sheets and bare feet, that someone lives there. The barefoot guest has already been identified as Georgy Alburov, another of Navalny’s associates. Also, apparently, an amateur to look at the Tomsk spiers.

And yet, let’s get acquainted with Maria Pevchikh, whom Navalny “typed on the ad, like Lyubov Sobol.” These are already quotes from interviews. The girl Masha studied at Moscow State University and in London as a political scientist, “lived an ordinary life.” Here I would like to remind you that these are Navalny’s donors – middle managers on credit Korean cars live a normal life, and not the blogger’s London girlfriend, but I won’t. And now Singers has been present in Navalny’s life for 10 years. Regularly, but not constantly, arriving from London. The girl does not get into the footage of photo chroniclers, there the place next to the blogger is given to Julia’s wife and blonde-haired and blue-eyed children. Singers, very similar in appearance to the young Masha Gaidar, accompanies Navalny on business trips. The girl even has a position – the head of the FBK investigation department. It’s like the colonel’s stars on the model assistants of the elderly generals. It is not for nothing that the Singers’ favorite investigation is about escort services and Nastya Rybka (yes, she herself talks about this in an interview).

Here again we have to mention the barefoot man in yellow shorts. “My colleague Zhora has a strange hobby – he is very fond of airplanes,” Pevchikh says about Georgy Alburov. – Yes, for no reason at all. He just does it. ” Check it out, this is a clear allusion to “just decided to see the sights of Salisbury.” So to speak, a gesture of respect from colleagues: they say, they read and learned from the Skripals.

So, the FBK is tracking Navalny’s plane, fixing that he is landing unscheduled in Omsk, and receives the go-ahead that the blogger felt bad on board. A troop of investigators in gloves and street shoes breaks into Navalny’s room, and only Alburov wanders the evidence barefoot like dry. Everything that can bear traces of poisoning is removed from the room. Water bottles, trash, towels, toilet seat, sheets, doorknobs. No, stop! Of the three water bottles, only one is exported to Germany – Maria Pevchikh, wiping her nose for “agent 007”, unmistakably determines which of the three bottles has traces of “Novichok”. Here, of course, our English colleagues gave us a head start, ours do not know how. Therefore, no trash, no towels, no toilet seat with handles get the opportunity to see German toxicologists.

After such a master class, I sincerely wanted to study the physiological characteristics of Maria Pevchikh. In addition to her sharp mass spectrometer gaze, the heroine has absolute poison resistance. Where the British police seize evidence in spacesuits, Singers takes the poisoned bottle with his thin-gloved hands, carries it in his luggage along with his personal belongings, and does not even sneeze. However, it may just be a matter of a tempered Russian organism. In the end, a bystander died from Novichok in Salisbury, poisoned three months after the Skripals and miles from their contaminated home. And the Russian man with his bare feet treads on the alleged crime scene, flies with the poisoned in the confined space of the plane and only gets stronger. By the way, I am very glad that everyone who came into contact with the evidence was not euthanized in Porton Down, like Skripal’s cat.

Finally, a BBC journalist asks Maria Pevchikh a bold question: is it true that she owns a chain of bookstores in England and Australia and was trained by the Navy SEALs unit? “I have never even been to Australia,” the head of the FBK investigation department exhaustively replies, and the principled liberal journalist is completely satisfied with the information received. “And what, it was possible?” – Petrov and Boshirov bite their elbows, remembering how they had to make excuses about their fitness business, and about a hotel, and about a blizzard.

We must pay tribute to Navalny’s generosity. Donates from schoolchildren are enough for him not only for lobsters for the family, but also for a friend’s stay in London. Now we know that the English life of Singers is not financed by lovers of high literature and good literature. True, the BBC journalist did not dare to ask about this. I think this is a manifestation of the famous European tolerance – sharp questions can infringe on the interests of the interviewee and cause him unpleasant feelings. And in the new, herbivorous world, no one is shaming, harassing or poisoning anyone.

If 11 years ago, in order to qualify for the Nobel Peace Prize, it was necessary to wage three or four wars, now for this it is enough to lie down in the clinic for two weeks and cheerfully take a picture for Instagram in blue gloves.

In general, Instagram has largely formatted the modern political landscape. The new generation of oppositionists cannot keep their attention on one topic for a long time, therefore events must develop dynamically, with clip-like speed, so that schoolchildren do not lose interest. Sky – plane – girl, “Newbie” – coma – healing. I’ve only seen this in old films with Russian citizen Steven Seagal. He lay in a coma, got up, dusted himself off and went to save the world. Or Arkasha Babchenko. Shots in the back, brushed away pig blood – and “here’s my Yandex wallet.”

  1. How to poison the opposition so that it remains alive

    by ‘Skripal’s cat’
    the innocently murdered cat of former GRU Colonel Sergei Skripal

    25 August 2020,

    The German doctors “Hiley Likely” (what would it be in German?) Determined that Navalny had been under-poisoned by “Novichok” or his close relative. Since at the mention of “Novice” my paws ache and the tail falls off, I could not stay away. I studied the materials, talked with colleagues, looked into test tubes with analyzes. And I decided that I will not analyze this vaudeville of yours. I’d better write instructions for the newly arrived employees of our top-secret department B (Borgia), which specializes in chemical interaction with the enemies of the Motherland. The manual was collected literally for the living, the dead were not found.

    1. Choose as a victim the one who, if he could harm, has already realized his entire resource. He handed over Russian spies and served his sentence like Sergei Skripal. He traveled to the United States and took part in the adoption by the Congress of the Anti-Russian “Magnitsky Act” as Vladimir Kara-Murza. Held elections to the Moscow City Duma, pushing in the right people, and published investigations, like Alexei Navalny. Tried to disrupt the World Cup like Pyotr Verzilov. Or he simply began to forget, like Dmitry Bykov. If the object is already working for your benefit, like Navalny – he legitimizes the election of the mayor of Moscow or channels the protest, bringing it to the point of absurdity and schoolchildren on street lamps – all the better and more cynical. It’s pointless though.

    2. Weed only those who are branded in the West as a “fighter against the regime.” We put the rest on trial. And we certainly try to eliminate the pop politicians, to the delight of our Western partners. So that any Parkhomenko could hint with an inflated look – well, it’s clear who benefits. The bloody regime of TM consumed the fiery fighter.

    3. Attack the victim at the moment when you have all the trump cards in your hands, and you can neutralize her in another, legal and dust-free way (for example, convict Navalny on the completely shameful case of insulting a 92-year-old veteran of the Great Patriotic War).

    4. Always use the same poison as a Category C Hollywood movie maniac. Even if you were taught a dozen courses in toxicology, chemistry, physiology and poisonous substances at the academy, never change your handwriting. No, this is not in order to then take responsibility for the poisoning on yourself. And then to deny their involvement. What is the logic – don’t ask, spread. There are other poisons, but you take the one in the dusty box with the inscription “Newbie”. Yes, overdue, so what? The manager said he would not write it off. And if we throw it out, it will deduct it from the salary. So until you take this one down, they won’t give us new poisons.


    1. On this topic
      Make sure that atropine is administered immediately to the subject at the hospital. And call the best Moscow doctors for a consultation, like Bykov and Navalny. No, to simple, dear to our hearts, Russians, we cannot provide this. Only to enemies.

    2. Never cover your tracks. Grass where the cameras capture you against the spiers. And where the slightest change in the state of the object will be in plain sight – best of all on the plane. There, side by side with colleagues, family or just curious, every sneeze will be noticed, and loss of consciousness will lead to an emergency landing. Do not let Felix Edmundovich add poison for the night when the object is about to fall asleep alone. So you don’t need to wake up.

    ·         Political scientist: Statements of a German clinic about Navalny’s poisoning were predictable

    ·         Toxicologist spoke about the symptoms of poisoning with cholinesterase inhibitors

    ·         Russian doctors have not detected cholinesterase inhibitors in Navalny

    1. Never cover your tracks – 2. As many people as possible should know that the object was being removed. No, no one is going to take responsibility as before. But you must prepare all the conditions for the removal of the object to the territory outside the control of the Russian special services. Desirable to Germany. Preferably, to the Charite clinic – we have a contract with them for wholesale supplies. Because the regime, remember, is cruel. We must not only poison, but also pump out the object. And if he has a recognizance not to leave, then rush to the Sledkom, resolve the issue. And then we ran to the Foreign Ministry. Let them write out a stack of visas for German doctors. We always do this when we want to crush someone from the light. And most importantly – hurry up the Ministry of Health. The object must be returned within the first three days so that the “Novichok” would hit the very first German orderly in the nose. No, the rest of the sick who paid for treatment abroad, we cannot let them out of the country, and they will not be accepted in Germany either. We have a pandemic, closed borders and other quarantines. Even in the case of severe oncology. Navalny is another matter of national importance.

    2. Do not think down on the object. Consider his personal circumstances. Take an example from the poisoning of Petya Verzilov. The time was chosen as convenient as possible for the promotion of his investigation. As soon as he received information about “who killed Rastorguev, Dzhemal and Radchenko in the Central African Republic,” he immediately went to a hospital bed, delirious, and then to Charite. Press conferences, loud statements, Khodorkovsky on the podium chants that Verzilov found the killers, and that is why he was eliminated. And it is not our fault that Petit’s investigation turned out to be a dummy and failed. We invested in promotion like a family. And Petya, as always, disappointed.

    1. Well, the main commandment. Never. Do you hear, never. Do not under any circumstances kill the one you were assigned to kill. Use the “Newbie” you have been entrusted with filigree and masterly, to attract the attention of the whole world, but the victim of the regime must remain alive. Moreover, make sure that the satellites of the object are not poisoned by the volatile poison. How to do it in a confined space, decide for yourself, that’s why you are in uniform.

    …………………………………………………………..

    2.   6 September

    Navalny’s London spires

    by ‘Skripal’s cat’
    the innocently murdered cat of former GRU Colonel Sergei Skripal

    20 September 2020, 15:22

    “GRU agents” Petrov and Boshirov go to Salisbury to look at the spires. “Agent MI-6” Maria Pevchikh on high heels flies to Novosibirsk for Navalny. Poisoning – coma – sanctions, and as in good Hollywood films, no one was hurt during the filming. Navalny and Skripal receive the Arkady Babchenko prize and dance on the grave of Kivelidi, who had no idea that it was not at all necessary to die from Novichko.

    As a chronicler and a direct witness to the modern political history of poisoning, I watch with great interest the spy story of Maria Pevchikh. The star of Maria rose from a low start when it turned out that Navalny was whiling away anti-corruption investigations in Novosibirsk and Tomsk with a mysterious brown-haired woman from London. Photos of Singers from surveillance cameras appeared in the media faster than pictures of Petrov and Boshirov from the Solberia station. Therefore, the BBC had to accelerate the cosplay of Russia Today by issuing a large exculpatory interview with a poisoning suspect.

    Frankly, I was hoping to learn something new from the young British “political scientists”, but the techniques of my colleagues were painfully overwhelmed by us, old men of espionage. The “honey trap” that Singers looks like has been used by special services since the advent of sex and these very special services – although there may be spicy nuances here. Take a closer look at the video from the Tomsk hotel, where Pevchikh, trying not to get into the frame, searches Navalny’s room. Let’s skip the explanation of how the newly-minted James Bond in a skirt got into someone else’s room. It has already been said about the honey trap, so the number was most likely not alien to Masha. But now the bare male legs in yellow shorts, flashing during a search among worried shod people, betray another guest in their owner. All my experience with people says, that if someone is in a hotel room with crumpled sheets and bare feet, then that someone lives there. The barefoot guest has already been identified as Georgy Alburov, another of Navalny’s associates. Also, apparently, an amateur to look at the Tomsk spires.

    And yet, let’s get acquainted with Maria Pevchikh, whom Navalny “typed on the ad, like Lyubov Sobol.” These are already quotes from interviews. The girl Masha studied at Moscow State University and in London as a political scientist, “lived an ordinary life.” Here I would like to remind you that these are Navalny’s donors – middle managers on loan Korean cars live a normal life, and not the blogger’s London girlfriend, but I won’t. And now Singers has been present in Navalny’s life for 10 years. Regularly, but not constantly, arriving from London. The girl does not get into the footage of photo chroniclers, there a place next to the blogger is given to Julia’s wife and blonde-haired and blue-eyed children. Singers, very similar in appearance to the young Masha Gaidar, accompanies Navalny on business trips. The girl even has a position – the head of the FBK investigation department. It’s like the colonel’s stars on the model assistants of the elderly generals. It is not for nothing that the Singers’ favorite investigation is about escort services and Nastya Rybka (yes, she herself talks about this in an interview).

    So, the FBK is tracking Navalny’s plane, fixing that he is landing unscheduled in Omsk, and receives the go-ahead that the blogger felt bad on board. A trooper of investigators in gloves and street shoes breaks into Navalny’s room, and only Alburov wanders the evidence barefoot like dry. Everything that may bear traces of poisoning is removed from the room. Water bottles, trash, towels, toilet seat, sheets, doorknobs. No, stop! Of the three water bottles, only one is exported to Germany – Maria Pevchikh, wiping her nose for “agent 007”, unmistakably determines which of the three bottles has traces of “Novichok”. Here, of course, our English colleagues gave us a head start, ours do not know how. Therefore, no trash, no towels, no toilet seat with handles get the opportunity to see German toxicologists.Here again we have to mention the barefoot man in yellow shorts. “My colleague Zhora has a strange hobby – he is very fond of airplanes,” Pevchikh says about Georgy Alburov. – Yes, for no reason at all. He just does it. ” Check it out, this is a clear allusion to “just decided to see the sights of Salisbury.” So to speak, a gesture of respect from colleagues: they say, they read and learned from the Skripals.

    After such a master class, I sincerely wanted to study the physiological characteristics of Maria Pevchikh. In addition to her sharp mass spectrometer gaze, the heroine has an absolute poison resistance. Where the British police seize evidence in spacesuits, Singers takes the poisoned bottle with his thin-gloved hands, carries it in his luggage along with his personal belongings, and does not even sneeze. However, it may just be a matter of a tempered Russian organism. In the end, a bystander died from Novichok in Salisbury, poisoned three months after the Skripals and miles from their contaminated home. And the Russian man with his bare feet treads on the alleged crime scene, flies with the poisoned in the confined space of the plane and only gets stronger. By the way, I am very glad that everyone who came into contact with the evidence was not euthanized in Porton Down, like Skripal’s cat.

    Finally, a BBC journalist asks Maria Pevchikh a bold question: is it true that she owns a chain of bookstores in England and Australia and was trained in the SEALs? “I have never even been to Australia,” the head of the FBK investigation department exhaustively answers, and the principled liberal journalist is completely satisfied with the information received. “And what, it was possible?” – Petrov and Boshirov bite their elbows, remembering how they had to make excuses about their fitness business, and about a hotel, and about a blizzard.

    We must pay tribute to Navalny’s generosity. Donates from schoolchildren are enough for him not only for lobsters for the family, but also for a friend’s stay in London. Now we know that the English life of Singers is not financed by lovers of high literature and good literature. True, the BBC journalist did not dare to ask about this. I think this is a manifestation of the famous European tolerance – sharp questions can infringe on the interests of the interviewee and cause him unpleasant feelings. And in the new, herbivorous world, no one is shaming, harassing or poisoning anyone.

    If 11 years ago, in order to qualify for the Nobel Peace Prize, it was necessary to wage three or four wars, now for this it is enough to lie down in the clinic for two weeks and cheerfully take a picture for Instagram in blue gloves.

    In general, Instagram has largely formatted the modern political landscape. The new generation of oppositionists cannot keep their attention on one topic for a long time, therefore events must develop dynamically, with clip-like speed, so that schoolchildren do not lose interest. Sky – plane – girl, “Newbie” – coma – healing. I’ve only seen this in old films with Russian citizen Steven Seagal. He lay in a coma, got up, dusted himself off and went to save the world. Or Arkasha Babchenko. Shots in the back, brushed away pig blood – and “here’s my Yandex wallet.”

    Life is, as you know, the best creator of anecdotes. I’m looking forward to Semyon Slepakov’s new cheerful song about Navalny’s spires, our Masha, three bottles of mineral water and barefoot Alburov.

    ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

  2. 3.

    Skripal was poisoned for working for the Russians

    by ‘Skripal’s cat’
    the innocently murdered cat of former GRU Colonel Sergei Skripal

    October 2, 2018 8:39 pm

    Well, my dear conspiracy theorists. Do you want to know who Petrov & Boshirov are? Why did you go to Salisbury? And what should have been brought back?

    For your sake, I made a trip to our cozy bast cafe. I’m, of course, on a special ration – milk for harmfulness, valerian for joy, but sometimes you have to go out, soak up the spirit of cutlets, birch sap and gossip about the fate of the world.

    So, even if there are such soldiers as Petrov and Boshirov ( or Chepiga  with a more successful anonym) on guard of the Motherland , then they are the same liquidators as Skripal is our enemy.

    And Skripal is not like a friend to us, of course. But not an enemy either. Remember, the Russian ambassador to London, Alexander Yakovenko, said so bluntly: Russia does not consider Skripal a traitor. He is a free man, a Russian citizen, he has settled his problems with the state.

    But you don’t believe anything, my little lovers of conspiracy theories, give you a double bottom and  an umbrella prick  . So all this is, but we are not looking there, not there.Why do you think Skripal left the Russian torture chambers? In exchange for Chapman, seriously? Then why won’t everyone exchange their unexpectedly beloved Sentsov? Maybe because only Kiev is ready to pick him up, and we will not fit another spy in Kiev into our budget. But Skripal was just right in London. Who would suspect a Russian traitor of working for Russian intelligence?To abandon Russia, surrender agents, lie under the Britons – how, after such a thing, not only stay alive, but also free, and even in God-saved London? You have to be something much more than a traitor to pull off such an operation. You have to be double … triple … damn it, I can’t even count how many intelligence services Comrade Skripal served. Servant of all masters, he escaped from the clutches of the bloody regime (c), but stumbled upon the democratic, free and honest Englishmen.

    And the colonel was sitting in Salisbury, laughing at the miserable pension thrown to him from the royal shoulder, resolving issues, maneuvering between the drops. Yes, he didn’t.

    His wife died. The son died. The only native person – daughter Julia – remained in Russia. Only me and the guinea pigs reconciled him with a foreign land, and the periodic visits of guests.

    Inconspicuous tough guys in dark bomber jackets with shoulder straps in their hands. These guys often traveled around Europe, meeting with the same sources of valuable information. Salisbury, Amsterdam, Geneva, Milan and Paris, then Salisbury again. Everywhere, as they whisper in the canteen, there are our agents. And if there are agents, there must be liaisons. Among them are Petrov and Boshirov.

    On this topic

    ·         Skripal did not believe the accusations against Russia and supported the annexation of Crimea

    ·         The Russian Embassy compared the Skripals case to an “endless soap opera”

    ·         Teacher Petrova told what he could do in Salisbury

    And if there are agents and liaisons, there is always a risk that someone will get burned. Skripal was out of luck. Either the British have long suspected that once – this only means nothing in the LGBT community, and in intelligence, betrayal alone is enough to be under strict control. Either the messengers flashed somewhere. Maybe someone else passed. But our royal partners tracked down the visits of the messengers and decided not only to eliminate the repainted traitor Skripal, but also to warm up to his death.

    To poison one, and poison the whole of Russia – why not a plan?

    What is needed for this? Track the arrival of the messengers, prepare a murder weapon that directly points to the Russians – and act. But it would be better if they took the ice ax, in fact. The chemical formula of “Novichok” was published in large circulation back in the nineties, and the British injected poison as best they could. But they did it badly.

    Immediately after the meeting of our contacts with Skripal, they poisoned him with his daughter. Yes, they didn’t. Because besides clever plans, it would be nice to have a little brain and understand chemistry the way Soviet scientists understood.

    Why did I never believe that our master was poisoned? Because ours would be poisoned to meet the forefathers. And Britons can only lime a cat and guinea pigs.

    And while our doves of peace flew over the seas, over the valleys, carrying a report from Skripal, Skripal himself fought with a pitiful likeness of the “Novice” in his blood. And since Russian blood is stronger not only “Faust” by Goethe, but also English chemical crafts, our colonel stayed to live. Than very much frappy English high society, involved in the assassination attempt.

    They say that the leadership of British half-educated chemists was very dissatisfied with the weakness of the manufactured poison. They say that society laughs, one cat died, and even then we ourselves put him to sleep. I had to fix it.

    They added a thicker poison, and poured it into a bottle of perfume. Where is it now? They thought of throwing it into a tank for the homeless to make it more pitiful. They say that the inhuman Russians did not just come to our sacred island to poison the traitor (this can still be humanly understood), they also took the time to throw the unopened (!) Bottle into the box for the most unfortunate, most disadvantaged members of the prosperous British society.

  3. In Europe, in general, leftist themes, tolerance, and feelings of guilt towards refugees and declassified elements are very popular. And the choice of such a victim, which became the drug-alcoholic Don Sturges, betrays the European scriptwriters. The Russians actually have other pain points.So, Don Sturges has died, the “half-new” has been rehabilitated, society looks with horror at the place of Russia on the world map.And Colonel Skripal now lives in a bunker, like Babchenko in Kiev. The Britons know what he did. Skripal knows what the Britons have done. Killing him right there, in the bunker – you can’t blame the Russians. So they are sitting, thinking how to get out of the situation.Although until today the situation of the British was not so difficult. The grateful world picked up a story about the Russian liquidators, imposed sanctions and is looking at what else to snatch on the sly. As I used to grab stories about Vietnam, Iraq and Libya.

    The blow came from where they did not expect. One of his own, BBC journalist Mark Urban published the book “The Skripal Case”. And the house of cards collapsed.

    What do we know now? That Skripal enthusiastically watched Channel One and supported the Kremlin on many issues, “sitting in the house bought by MI6.” That  supported the annexation of Crimea . That he was “an impudent Russian nationalist.” I was sure that Russia did not foment a military conflict in the east of Ukraine, otherwise our tanks would have been driving around Kiev for a long time.

    And here is the checklist right in the heart of the ordinary English consumer of propaganda. Urban writes: Skripal refused to believe that the Russian government tried to kill him. Why would that be, huh? Maybe because they say the truth in our canteen – the British poisoned them, but they only turned out to be crooked.

    Now I am seriously considering plans to write a report “for the GRU,” how the Britons evolved from James Bond to Johnny English.

    …………………………………………………………………………………….

4.

Two towers of Alexei Navalny

Skripal’s cat
the innocently murdered cat of former GRU Colonel Sergei Skripal

16 October 2020

Alexey, if you are being held by force, wink. They are completely confused there, who and how many times hounded you. Alexey, it turns out awkward. Was it true that Novichok was given to you twice in one day and never poisoned? The people are already laughing, Alexey. If they hope to return you to Russia in a sealed plane, don’t believe it. They will take you to the mausoleum on that plane, bypassing the armored cars.

The version of the poisoning of the Russian oppositionist, hastily cobbled together from the statements of the Bundeswehr and sticks, already seemed to be caked and almost stopped smelling, as The New York Times intervened, refuting all the previous developments of colleagues. With reference to the mysterious German special services, the American newspaper reported that Navalny was still poisoned at the Tomsk airport, having put dry Novichok into a paper cup with tea.

At that moment, Maria Pevchikh burst into tears somewhere, bringing with her own hands to Germany a bottle with the traces of Novichok, seized from Navalny’s hotel room. Maria’s stone flower does not come out in any way: after all, if Alexei was poisoned at the airport just before the flight, then how could he leave traces of poison on the bottle in the hotel, from which he checked out several hours before the poisoning?

The Singers ‘version began to leak even earlier, when the Russian media discovered that three bottles had been taken from the room, and only one bottle was in the Singers’ luggage when passing control at the airport. While conspiracy theorists were wondering how Navalny’s London friend determined which of the three bottles had traces of Novichok, a new detail emerged. The bottle that was in the Singers’ luggage had never been in Navalny’s room at all. Her girlfriend bought at the airport before  departure… I have two news for Navalny’s team. The bad news is that the evidence was inconvenient. After all, Germany has already announced that it found traces of a poisonous substance on a non-existent bottle. And good – there is a chance that the Singers will not be prosecuted for kidnapping, concealing and exporting evidence abroad in the case of an attempt. Moreover, the bonus from Maria Pevchikh removes the suspicion that it was she who enriched the inner world of her boss with deadly poison, because at the time of the poisoning at the airport (according to The New York Times) she was not with Navalny.

True, in this case, you will have to return to another blogger’s assistant, Ilya Pakhomov. Judging by the surveillance cameras, it was he who took a glass of tea in the airport cafe (accordingly, no one in the cafe knew who the tea was meant for, and it was unlikely that they poured Novichok for everyone on that day) and gave him a drink to Navalny. The New York Times asks us a difficult task: the poison got into the glass of tea on the way between the cafe and the blogger, the glass was in the hands of Pakhomov all the time, who could have added the poison?

And so that Navalny’s supporters do not relax, The New York Times makes another statement: in general, the blogger may have been poisoned twice! The special services (“highley like”) always do this – they poison the victim with a deadly volatile poison every three to four hours, and then suddenly it did not reach the first time.

Novice conspiracy theorists like to argue over which of the Kremlin towers is the blogger. But “Alexei A. Navalny, the most famous Russian oppositionist,” as The New York Times titled him, is no longer just a person, but a whole project. It is not surprising that he himself has grown two towers, which are now tossing the “Novichok case” into something, for the amusement of the world public.

On this topic

The speaker of the first tower of Navalny is the blogger’s press secretary Kira Yarmysh, whose numerous gaps in school education are redeemed by diligence. Kira is known to the general public for her remark about a new Russian rifle with a firing range of 7 km. A spokesman for Navalny suggested that the bullet in flight “will bend over the globe.” And despite the friendly cackle of colleagues, I think that the girl is great, at least she considers the Earth a ball, not a flat pancake, as one might expect from the blogger’s entourage.

It was Yarmysh who accompanied Navalny on the plane when he became ill. Yarmysh made the first, most important statements: Navalny did not drink anything except tea at the airport, where he was poisoned.

The speaker of the second tower is Navalny’s declassified London friend Maria Pevchikh. All these years, she managed to remain incognito, accompanying the blogger on trips around the country, but not advertising their connection. The general public considers the Singers to be the technical sister of the Salisbury tourists Petrov and Boshirov.

The singers were destroyed by Yarmysh’s version of the poisoning at the airport by posting videos about the search of a hotel room and the discovery of three water bottles. She secretly took one of the bottles to Germany (actually not, but it doesn’t matter anymore, the war is virtual), where “German experts” found traces of the poison. Navalny himself actively supports her version, stating that he was poisoned even before leaving the hotel, and “if I drank it, ate it or inhaled it, I would, of course, move the horses in half an hour or an hour”.

It is not known for certain why Navalny’s version of the Singers did not suit our Western colleagues. But they decided to throw in their interest through The New York Times, which soon resulted in new anti-Russian sanctions.

The only question is what is the final goal of Western interested parties – a bunch of sanctions or a preparation of a new revolutionary to be thrown into Russia. The tragic story of 1917 is repeated according to the well-known formula of Marx, in the form of a farce. Navalny already has a set of escorts ready: the Nordic wife Julia as Nadezhda Konstantinovna and the fighting Maria Pevchikh as Inessa Armand. And this is actually quite a favorable outcome for Navalny himself.

Because if the goal is only sanctions and the disruption of Nord Stream 2, then a living blogger is slightly less useful to our foreign partners than a dead one. In the end, they have already played one of our agents, Skripal, together with his beautiful cat – a spire in his liver! Navalny may also be there.

………………………………………………………..6. (Abridged)

Oct 22nd   https://vz.ru/opinions/2018/10/22/947298.html       – excerpts

After all, how well everything went with Skripal! Hospital, diagnosis, “Novichok”, accusations of Russia, expulsion of diplomats, sanctions, hysteria in the media, Teresa May with her anecdotal “highley like”, experts who once held test tubes in their hands. The “correct world community” reacts so harmoniously when a clear PR plan is signed.

In the case of Novichok, 27 countries expelled about 150 of our diplomats, 60 of which fell to the United States. With Skripal alive and there was no evidence of Russia’s guilt.

It is worth recalling about Petrov and Boshirov, our “lovers of British spiers”. Conspiracy theorists rubbed their sweaty hands, expecting that two Russians were already dead, because the British media showed their photos. It turned out that both were alive, were not hiding anywhere and even gave a strange interview in RT, which only fueled the hysteria of Western and local journalists.

Russia is another matter. There are bears and vodka, the Cold War and Dostoevsky. It is possible not to dismember anyone, not to poison and not to adjust accidents, we have been chosen to play the role of the enemy even without these special effects. It is convenient and practical – you can update the record of your military budgets, and blame all the current failures on the gloomy Russians with warheads under their arms

And here! “The cat abandoned the kittens – it’s Putin’s fault!”

“Navalny has been involved in a variety of dirty PR campaigns,” the source explained. – He was hired by some oligarchs against others. When you get involved in such wars, you need to be prepared that something like this may happen. “

 

…………………………………………………………………..

7.

14 Dec     Skripals Cat

The case has been solved. Where do Navalny’s Underpants lead?

You will laugh, but Alexei Navalny has finally decided why they wanted to kill him, even though they did not. Straight from the German resort, he released an investigation in the spirit of Daniil Kharms. It turns out that he and his wife have been poisoned for two years. Of course, “Novichok”. And, of course, not to death. Antibodies seem to be producing.

Just yesterday, the mice and I laughed at the “analyst” of the British Sunday Times, referring to the “German special services” who reported that Navalny was hounded in Siberia three times, and the last attempt to “introduce Novichok” was made in an Omsk hospital, right before his flight to Germany … And again by.

The situation became embarrassing when even the editor-in-chief of Echo of Moscow, Alexei Venediktov, questioned the sober mind, clear conscience and empty hands of Western colleagues: “It seems that the publication in the Sunday Times was posted by Russian special services in order to discredit the very fact of the attempt to poison Alexei Navalny.”

To me, as a soft power of “Russian special services”, this version is like scratching behind the ear. But alas or hurray, this is not our job. We were busy with the elections in the USA, we are working with Texas and Biden’s dog, and the British media handled themselves.

By the way, “British media” has long been used in the same context as “British scientists”. We are now waiting for the story about the unsuccessful launch of a ballistic missile at an ambulance plane carrying Navalny from Omsk to Berlin.

Western media have put a clown cap on the blogger, and clowns in Russia are historically disliked. As a result, on Monday afternoon, a counter video from Alexei was ready. How can you interrupt the absurdity? Even more absurd. Are you laughing that there were three poisonings? Get two years of Novice treatment.

In the voice of the NTV host, Navalny reports that the first poisoning attempt took place two years ago on an airplane. This should be quoted, you will like it: “An hour after takeoff, a cold sweat broke out in me, and I felt that I was very, very bad. It’s so bad that I’m going to die now. Since I was all wet, I hardly got to the toilet, where I washed myself with cold water. He sat for 15 minutes, and everything passed, ”- that is, in fact, the whole attempt. The history of poisoning with poisons has not yet known such an antidote as cold water. But Navalny found him. True, for some reason he did not share this knowledge with his wife Julia. Because the next victim of the “assassination attempt” was she.

This year, Navalny rested in the village of Yantarny near Kaliningrad. After the walk, Julia felt bad, but the couple decided to go to a cafe anyway. “Moreover, she was getting worse and worse, and so rapidly that when we reached the cafe and ordered food, she realized that it was even hard for her to sit. I asked: “What hurts you? Heart? Stomach? Call an ambulance? ” And Julia herself did not understand and could not explain. She said: “Nothing hurts.” A worried husband, who recently went through the same thing, really decided not to call an ambulance. What for? The wife is so bad that she cannot even sit. But can she go? I got up and went to the hotel, alone, to my room. “As I later learned, I barely reached him, although the hotel was very close. An hour later, Yulia suddenly felt better, she fell asleep. The next day, she felt great, as if nothing had happened ”, – Alexey Navalny shares the reverent relationship in his family. Yes, Alexey, all caring husbands do this, do not hesitate. The dinner had already been paid. Did you eat lobsters?

Either the Novichok two years ago at the Lubyanka was expired, or the Navalny couple had tinned organisms (as, indeed, the Skripals had). But the question of why he is being bullied all the time, but he survives, still requires some kind of answer. And Navalny finds him.

It turns out that “if the dose of Novichok is too large, you will die instantly. If not enough, then you may not feel anything at all or experience a short-term attack. ” That is, the FSB was simply saving Novichok, that’s the whole answer. Probably, they stole the surplus in order to spray currant bushes from pests at the general’s dacha.

If you constantly make fun of the topic of the unworn “Newbie”, then they will laugh louder and louder at the attempt. So now it turns out that “Novichok” is very scary. “This is possibly the most poisonous substance invented by mankind,” the blogger writes. The most poisonous and safest, he forgets to add.

According to the cumulative estimates of Western media and special services, in the fall of this year in Siberia, Navalny survived three times of poisoning. Apparently, over all these years and the assassination attempts, the FSB chemists have not been able to calculate the correct dosage. As well as with the Skripals. Of course, this is how secret special services work, we have already understood this, Alexey. Although no, in England, according to Navalny, the result was still: “I remind you that the Skripals, who were attempted to kill, survived, but an innocent woman died, and as many as 47 people received various defeats.” How good it is that for so many attempts on Navalny’s life no one else has suffered. This humanism is also a distinctive feature of the special services, we know, Alexey.

Who is poisoning the blogger so persistently and fruitlessly? In the investigation there are even photographs and a number of names of “executors”, links to stolen bills and other finds. Of course, they were dug up by fearless journalists (such as the “British media”), and Western intelligence services have absolutely nothing to do with this. Not a single leaf was slipped, we believe, Alexey.

What I like most is that among the suspects is Navalny’s neighbor at 175 Lublinskaya Street. The blogger tells how these people have been following him for two years on all Russian trips.

Thin ice begins here. It has long been known that Navalny is under surveillance. But how to sell a well-known fact labeled “Scandals, intrigues, investigations”? To declare that this is not outdoor advertising, not an opera, but poisoners! All the years they have been chasing a blogger around our vast country – and trying to kill. It’s time to compare Alexei with Fidel Castro with his 638 assassination attempts, but for some reason only the joke about “The Elusive Joe” comes to mind.

Why were they ordered to kill Navalny? For his desire to take the presidency. This is not a joke, Navalny writes that. And what, the assassination attempts somehow prevented Navalny from participating in the elections? Actually, no. The blogger was removed from registration due to his criminal record. That is, it was possible not to kill? It turns out you can. And then, apparently, as in the American category C militants. The order for destruction has been issued and cannot be canceled.

So I see how a deeply conspiratorial group of saboteurs, which cut off all contacts with the center, moves around the country after the blogger, sprinkling his path with an expired Novichok. The years go by. Some elections are followed by others. Navalny is being tried for libel against the veteran of the Great Patriotic War. And here the poisoners finally found the right dose! Well, not completely. It was only enough to evacuate Navalny to Germany. By the way, to the obvious question, why did the authorities let him go to another country instead of finishing off on the spot, Navalny just as cheerfully replies: but they thought that “Novichok” would dissolve in the body in two days and no one would find traces. Yes, Alexey, we have already understood – this is how secret assassins with a chemical education work.

However, what difference does it make if the blogger’s subscribers swallow and start spreading without reflecting? We in the basements of the Lubyanka, spying on Alexei, also trained the hamsters. Carry paper clips from office to office. Stupid, of course, but quickly.

In the story about terrible poisons, unhappy Julia and the demonic Kremlin, there is one completely false note. It is addressed not to Russian, but to Western consumers, and spoils the whole picture. Who in Russia will seriously believe that the oppositionist has been poisoned with one single poison for two years and cannot be poisoned?

This is a tale about a turnip, not an investigation into an assassination attempt. In Russia, they will believe in surveillance, in persecution, in staged criminal cases, in threats to loved ones. But not in the life-giving “Novichok”, from which not a single Skripal has died, except for their cat, and then for the purpose of prevention.

The reason for this fixation on Novichok is that the West sees Russia in a simplified way. Thanks even without bears with balalaikas. But it is impossible to abandon the stereotypical imperial poison: then the public cannot be sold the story of demonic Russia. Previously, it was a nuclear weapon, now it is a chemical one. In information wars, only simple images work, like Colin Powell’s test tube and Navalny’s cowards.

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